If you feel stressed - anxious, overworked, fatigued, frustrated, ashamed, lonely, or apathetic - I want to help you.
Wait. I can't do that. I can't help you with something that I struggle with. It just wouldn't be right...wouldn't it? Maybe I'm just writing this for myself, and you're getting to listen in on my internal conversation today.
Maybe you'll find you know my pain. Maybe you'll wonder why you even allow this pain to take hold in your life.
And maybe we can find a solution to this together. Let's try this little experiment.
Instructions: read the following entries in first person - as though YOU were writing it down for the first time. If you do not connect to the things being said, skip it and move on.
Wait. I can't do that. I can't help you with something that I struggle with. It just wouldn't be right...wouldn't it? Maybe I'm just writing this for myself, and you're getting to listen in on my internal conversation today.
Maybe you'll find you know my pain. Maybe you'll wonder why you even allow this pain to take hold in your life.
And maybe we can find a solution to this together. Let's try this little experiment.
Instructions: read the following entries in first person - as though YOU were writing it down for the first time. If you do not connect to the things being said, skip it and move on.
1. I feel small.
Breathe:
An Experiment In Unity Through Insecurity
I used to know who I was. Back in high school, I used to be somebody. People really respected me because they knew me for who I was and what I could do. Adults cheered me on, telling me that there was so much more in store when I graduated. But I came to college and, suddenly, the world became so much larger. People didn't know who I was, so they chose to judge me based on stereotypes and superficial interactions. I was no longer recognized for anything. Instead, I just became lost in the crowd.
I don't really think ANYONE knows me here. But I'm too tired to try to get noticed. I just want people to care.
I don't really think ANYONE knows me here. But I'm too tired to try to get noticed. I just want people to care.
2. I Blew It.
This was supposed to be my clean slate - a new school, a new me. I had my chance to make people believe I was perfect. I blew it. I don't know if it was because I TRIED too hard to impress people, or if I was misled by what I thought was right. Maybe it was neither. Maybe I'm just a bad person. Maybe they're right when they say those things about me.
I thought I could make myself a better person in the eyes of others. I blew it.
I thought I could make myself a better person in the eyes of others. I blew it.
3. I'm Trapped.
Do you remember that time when we could dream about anything we wanted? When we were free to imagine a future full of possibility? Well, those days are over. I have to make choices. Meet deadlines. Close doors. Face rejection. I can't believe that I'm being asked to decide what I will do for the rest of my life. It all came SO FAST. I don't want to move on. I'm scared of making the wrong choice.
I'm terrified. I'm anxious. But worst of all, I already feel trapped.
I'm terrified. I'm anxious. But worst of all, I already feel trapped.
4. I'm Losing Them.
I used to jump on opportunities to meet and befriend people. Now I'm afraid to. It seemed so clear back then - reach your hand out first, and be kind to everyone. But now it seems worthless. I've watched so many friendships wither away and die, and choosing to care only makes it worse. I wish I could take back the promises I made to each of my friends. At the time, I meant every word. Now, I feel like a liar.
My time with them will eventually come to an end. Perhaps it never really was my fault. However - all the while - I'm losing them.
My time with them will eventually come to an end. Perhaps it never really was my fault. However - all the while - I'm losing them.
To be quite honest, I had no specific purpose in mind when I wrote what you see above. You're reading a raw, honest reflection of the four dominant sources of pain and insecurity that try to attack me every day.
So, if you've ever felt the same way, let this be my chance to tell you: I know exactly how you feel. I criticize myself daily. I fight insecurity and cover it up with overconfidence and short-sighted humor.
But I've also got something that I think may save both of us.
So, if you've ever felt the same way, let this be my chance to tell you: I know exactly how you feel. I criticize myself daily. I fight insecurity and cover it up with overconfidence and short-sighted humor.
But I've also got something that I think may save both of us.
Breathe.
In and out. Good. Now deeper - in and out. I'm sincerely asking you to consciously feel your lungs inhaling and exhaling.
Do you feel that? Your body is working. Maybe not perfectly, but you're alive. Let's start with that.
Do you feel that? Your body is working. Maybe not perfectly, but you're alive. Let's start with that.
You are worth more than the grade on your last paper
Or the degree on your transcript.
Breathe.
Choose to spend time with the friends who truly love you
Not the ones you think are above you.
Breathe.
People who seek to hurt you don't deserve your friendship
They deserve your forgiveness and grace.
Breathe.
You are loved not because you are successful, rich, or beautiful
But because you were created by Love itself.
Breathe.
Only in times when the door remains shut
Do we venture to open another.
Breathe.
Death is best beaten, and Life truly lived
When we don't ask "What's next?" but instead "What can I give?"
I hope this brings you a little bit of peace. At the end of the day, we win the game of life when we base our joy off of the things that are least likely to change or disappoint us. Money, status, skill, pleasure, and even people will all come up short. So don't worry about any of those things. Breathe, love others, and find a source of love which is greater than your own.
If you're still looking, I can make you a recommendation. :)
If you're still looking, I can make you a recommendation. :)
Note: With this post, I am excited to step back into writing for Baylor students and the college population at large. If you want me to continue this theme and discuss other insecurities, let me know. Feel free to comment with ideas that you would like me to write about.
Nathan Elequin is a 2016 graduate from the Baylor Business Fellows, Interdisciplinary Core (BIC), and Honors Program. During his four years at Baylor, he sought to encourage and inspire students to take the leap of faith, discovering new friends and adventures during their life-changing experience at Baylor University. Now he is studying Instructional Design and Development at Syracuse University (MS '18) with the hopes of developing software for classroom learning.
I hope this brings you encouragement and prepares you for some of the best years of your life. Whether you are a student at Baylor or anywhere else, I would encourage you to share this poem with them to give them some fire as they begin their journeys.
I am excited for all of you. Sic 'em.
I hope this brings you encouragement and prepares you for some of the best years of your life. Whether you are a student at Baylor or anywhere else, I would encourage you to share this poem with them to give them some fire as they begin their journeys.
I am excited for all of you. Sic 'em.